Monday, November 28, 2011

I am headed back to civilization in the morning, and to work shortly after, so it can be expected I am having trouble getting to sleep tonight and instead am thinking about how so much of my time is spent decoding certain silences. I guess it can really be any sort of silence that seems unusual or somehow lengthier than it should be, a submitted piece of writing or application, a friend who simply forgets or is too occupied to return an e-mail or text or phone call (but then I am guilty of this all the time due to my own flightiness and chaos-and thus, am endlessly forgiving of it.)

But then I am thinking more about the silence of men, more specifically the ones I get entangled with. Recently, a lover, my having missed both confirming and showing up to a breakfast date (I had not checked my e-mail in which he agreed and then had slept in missing the message til I was already at work), and then, of course, was subsequently very late when we actually got together the next morning due to LSD traffic, made a comment that he thought I was mad at him, that I was blowing him off, which seemed, in the moment and given a certain longish history of him occasionally doing it to me, pretty hilarious. Usually, I have no problems telling people whatever my emotional weather happens to be at the time, good or bad, whether they want to hear it or not. If I'm angry or happy or sullen or excited, you will know it. If I have feelings or no longer have feelings for you, you will know it, believe me (probably more than you want to know it). Sometimes, its a little embarrassing, both for me and the intended audience, how forthcoming I tend to be since I tend to not only wear my heart on my sleeve, but tend to occasionally throw it into other people's laps unbidden.

Men are especially good at being silent at all the wrong moments. It's maddening. Some of this no doubt has to do with getting burned one way or another over the years by guys who are not so good communicators (well and in one case, pathologically awful at it) Things ranging from merely dwindling or diverted attentions all the way to evasion, betrayal, lying, legal issues. Even the simple fact that on dates, especially the early ones, I tend to talk way too much, so much so that I always feel the flow of info in general is so very one sided. Admittedly, I am at fault for simply chatting too much to let anyone get a word in, and also not wanting to be too prying and inquisition-like, but thus, it tends to lead to alarming holes in the greater picture--some, rather innocuous, like where someone grew up or their favorite food, others like, "btw, I have a wife or girlfriend I'm looking to cheat on." (this is a whole other post.)

I realize how much mental time and energy I spend with alot of men attempting to decode that silence, looking for information, clues, things that probably aren't even there to begin with. I'm reminded all the time by friends, those privy to this stuff, both male and female alike, that men's minds are very different, not quite so prone to thinking and overthinking, to turning every gesture, expression, word over and over like a stone in the hand and trying to read it the way women do (or least this woman does). And god forbid, mulling over it endlessly with their friends looking for other people opinions on what this or that brief or prolonged silence meant.

I really feel like I want to be done with it, all the decoding and overthinking. With guys who shut down instead of talking it over or giving the simplest answers to the simplest questions, who would rather sulk than seek to somehow change whatever it is they are sulking or distant about.

1 comment:

Sheila said...

Amen, amen, amen. Also, are we twins? :)