notes & things | 2/20/22
Weekends feel like an an entirely, much-needed treat now. Actually, just Sunday so far, since I have a lot of catch-up from January to do in terms of my own projects and press work and still want to keep a steady income stream from the freelance stuff, at least while I'm still feeling precarious. But maybe eventually, will be able to claim Saturdays down the line. Right now, the weather is too chilly to go out much and I feel like i am still in rest mode, but eventually weekends might be for, you know, having a life. Right now, it just means a day free of obligations, even cleaning, which my schedule now allows to happen in smaller, manageable bits throughout the week instead of a good chunk of Sunday. Before, whatever I could not do during the week due to work, all got put off til Sat & Sun, which was itself overwhelming sometimes, esp. since the shadow of Monday was always creeping up behind me. Even before, when the studio was downtown and I did not work on books on weekends I worked on writing and art things, not the worst, but still a kind of work I felt I had no other time to do. Since late 2019, and the ability to do more official business at home, I felt a pressure to get as much done as possible on these rare days, which pretty much meant no real idleness or rest, which I think is kind of necessary. (maybe less necessary even now because I do not hit Friday exhausted beyond measure, both mentally and physically.)
Today, I've done nothing but sleep in and eat breakfast late and maybe I'll do some painting or collage, but maybe not (If I don't, I can make time during the week, of all things, which is so much kinder to me,) I will have my twice weekly call with my dad and watch some design youtubes and make something a little more complicated for dinner. Tomorrow, I'll return to freelance stuff 3-4 hrs in the morning and press/shop things in the afternoon til I whenever I stop, and even still some time in the evenings for proofing AVM or doing creative things. Still, a kind of work, but now something I can enjoy and not feel pressure to just get it done so I can go to another kind of work where I also had no time to enjoy even the enjoyable parts.
It still feels a little scary and surreal, but at the same time, so very wonderful and, like, mentally healthy, which has been an unknown concept that last 20 or so odd years. The fact that I am actually doing it still surprises me a little. I'd always though I would eventually retire to do this sort of work full-time with the buoy of my IRA/SS, but I don't know if I would have survived another 15-20 years at that pace without so much crumbling. At those stress levels, I might not have made it all.
While there is still much whirling in my head---new projects, new layouts, orders, new shop goods, research for the lesson writing--it is at about 50 percent what it was when you added library things, which increasingly got heavier in the last few years. Sort of like if you were carrying a 50 pound bag up the stairs but now it was only a more manageable 25. I sleep better and eat better and have time in the margins for more netflix at night (am still working my way through REIGN, which I am loving.) It's been a hard balance to be a person like other people and still be productive and creative and I was at a breaking point. (I'm pretty sure I was already broken and just didn't know it.)
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