It's been a crazy week, but then, I expected it. One deadline was moved forward a couple weeks, which offered a little reprieve, but the end of this one found me hanging an exhibit over the span of two floors, meeting with the college paper for an in-depth interview about it, and giving an hour long academic talk about zines (thankfully, even paid!). All the while trying to do, you know, my regular duties in the library, so things felt a little sideways as the week wore on. Yet still, this morning, I was awake early with coffee and a delicious raspberry danish, making plans for the coming week and settling into a day of chapbook making on new titles. It was so chilly, I had to close all the open windows--a first this season--so it does seem we have moved fully into autumn. It's two weeks til Halloween. Three weeks until that weird first week of November anniversary that plagues me even four years later. My dreams get weirder as we move through fall, sometimes involving my mother, sometimes not. Last night, I dreamed I was harboring a small horse as a pet in my apartment. Shit gets strange.
Sometimes, I feel like the day to day vascillates between dead ends and possibility. Ways in and ways out. I don't have a plan any more than I have a possible trajectory over the next few months. A way of traveling I hope will lead to better things. It's scary to be working without a safety net, and yet, if you rely too much on the safety net, you never learn to balance. I've been on a break from poems, a little bit to work on the fiction I've been dallying with, also just because my head is full of so much, there is less room for words. I am also hovering between larger projects, so there is a moment of pause as I choose where to go next. I feel like I am missing the motivation I used to have for certain things but gaining in others.
Something I haven't really done the past few years is decorate for Halloween, though it's a holiday I love, my enthusiasm for that time of year has waned. This year, I actually decorated a bit--velvet and wicker pumpkins, articulated skeletons, some paper bats bedecking the windows. It's a little bit of joy, so I will take it where I can get it.
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