notes & things | 9/6/2021

I've been, and was fully aware of it, extremely toxic and argumentative this past week, due to a combination of factors--some related and some unrelated at all. Considering it was the last of my short weeks at the library, it's amazing I managed to work myself into such a state over three short days, but I did. I was thinking about the word "toxic" which is something I usually use to describe a person or situation which is destructive in it's nature, but I think it can also mean taking on toxicity and negativity, like groundwater as it passes underneath the toxic landscape around it. As it's day's are polluted by terrible news, high death counts, blatant disregard for science and public health.  By natural / man-made disasters in every corner of the country and world.  By legislation made by old white males claiming dominion over women's bodies in ass-backward states.  

Also by certain things in my workplace--people shirking their own responsibilities to an already overloaded department where most of it's inhabitants are downing (or at least I feel like I am.) By problems there that are unable to be solved.   By general anxieties over students returning full-force to a campus, filling classrooms and spaces--and while everyone is vaxxed and supposedly safe, the uncertainty in HOW safe is still rattling me. By just a whole lot of work in my corner as we enter the semester as well, and feeling like I am sliding down a hill more than climbing up it.  By lots of things circling in my head with the press and less mental energies to devote to the things I WANT to devote time to and no time to do it. 

There is an obvious solution to some of these things (increasing workloads, lack of time and mental energy) , and I don't dare speak its name, but I've vowed to not make any rash, hugely financial decisions during a pandemic, during a time when my own mental health and stability are fragile. I also can't be, on one hand, worrying about my retirement savings while at the same time, giving up a stable job that allows me save for it. So I sit it out, wait and see,  though the demoralized way it makes me feel sometimes is taking a physical toll in terms of emotional ups and downs. My taurean need for stability makes it impossible to perform without a net.  There was a time when I loved my job for freedom and the mental space it gave me outside of work, for the creativity it allowed me when there, but this has not been true for a very long time. 

In other news, things still go on--the good things I badly need to focus on. I managed to finish up the clue installs for the BAD ART scavenger hunt to begin this week. Gave an informal library intro tour to a group of students and some stray parents.. Had a poster session accepted for the ILA conference on zines and DEI.   I am trying to find happiness wherever I can--bingeing Sex and the City (one of my comfort shows and one due for a revival soon.) Eating strawberry hibiscus sorbet. Making fun, kitschy stickers and candles. Adding things to my fall wardrobe, which I will be swapping out in a week or so. I am headed to visit family around my dad's birthday the weekend after next. This week, I'll be wading into more dgp submissions and sending out responses. Also, starting the legs of a new writing project with my newly unencumbered mornings. 

I just need to keep my eyes on the road ahead of me and calm the fuck down..

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