russian doll

One of my favorite moments is a few episodes into Russian Doll where, convinced she is losing it, Natasha Leone's character, talking with the woman who mostly raised her, utters her safe word for mental health.  I found this a nice idea--a single word that would show the people around us that we were in a bad space that required help.   I don't think I've every been quite there, but part of my weird anxious brain worries that if I ever were in need of help, I wouldn't be able to convey the difference between an ordinary kind of brain wonkiness and something that bordered on dangerous.  And truthfully, the weekend I sat down to watch this show the first time, I was in a weirder place.  I made it through one episode and it made me so undeniably anxious that I had to stop.  I went back the following week, and was glad I did, because it was so, so good.

And really, there was something so similar about the characters repeating groundhog day experiences and life pretty much--days spent doing mostly the same things with variations.  This is probably why I found it initially super anxiety-provoking, the routine and the missteps that could lead to disaster.  How each choice sets off a chain reaction of other choices.   If you  change A, the B happens, avoid B then you skip C and move ahead to D. It makes every choice unbearable sometimes thinking 10 steps ahead of everything.  And I guess, welcome to my brain. And particularly, my brain on winter. 

The show, though is definitely worth watching. Lyonne is as always, super amazing and everyone else is really great.  They also manage to make a kind of super-depressing context into a rather uplifting ending. A few months ago, I was wandering away from Netflix, but they have been knocking it out of the park lately, so I'm glad I stayed.