april, the loneliest month

 

 As the end of the month closed out earlier this week and NaPoWriMo adventures were abandoned to meet unruly freelance deadlines, birthday outings, and just some general chaoticness, I could not help thinking how much poetry in April makes me hate both poetry and April just a little. Every April, it feels like poetry as a whole should be getting more attention, it being dedicated to National Poetry Month and all. But I can't feel that amid all the racket and hurrahs, that being an individual poet putting work out in the world feels more solitary than ever. I'm pretty sure it has more to do with posting poems, not writing them or reading them, and maybe the vacuum of social media.

I tend to post a lot of work (in this space, FB, Insta), but it's usually just a way to share what I'm working on. Those daily posts during April, however, feel like an imperative (and obv they aren't, many poets just draft daily and keep them to themselves) But I used to love the community feel of NaPoWriMo a decade or more ago. More recently,  it hasn't felt this way. More like every poem is again a dime dropped into the ocean. At the same time, every other poet is doing the exact same thing mostly with similar results. All of us, feeling the same sinking feeling each time we hit post. 

And maybe its totally just me and not everyone feels this way. In fact, I occasionally feel this way in other parts of the year, but its more acute during April when it's supposed to be our month to shine. The work of being a poet feels harder and with always diminishing returns. This may also be why I only made it up to day 24 this year before I bottomed out.  I have plans to continue that series, and drafted another piece for it this morning, but probably won't be posting them for the time being in favor of some older work that has yet to see the light of day. 

Nevertheless, I am very happy with both the Alice poems, which will be a zine at some point, and the other unrelated pieces I was working on as the month ended. I will keep on trucking away, however, behind the scenes where at least I don't end every poem with that sinking feeling every April brings.