the longest night

I always feel a need to mark the winter solstice with a check mark to remind myself that however the season effects me, some years worse than others, we are already climbing out of the cavern that is December, While this always seems rather hopeless each summer solstice, when we are just getting into June and then its already ending, here, I welcome the lengthening days, even if its mere seconds and won't be noticeable til February.  This seems especially important after a stretch of gloomy cloud-covered days that was basically all of December until this past Sunday. Or just  my own internal gloom meter that is running high these past months. It's like maybe someone cracked a door down the hall and I see the tiniest sliver and way out of darkness. 

A blizzard blowing in tomorrow has upset some pre-holiday festivities and postponed them into post-holiday festivities. For the first time ever in my newly orphaned state I will not be spending the holiday with my parents in some form, though I will be doing Christmas with my sister next week after the inclement weather passes.. I  will actually be spending Christmas Eve helping J get ready for Sunday's dinner at his bosses that he's been doing each year, so I will be celebrating the actual holidays with new people and new situations which maybe is exactly what I am needing to shake off the sadness of the first Christmas without either parent. On one hand, there's an impulse to cling to old traditions like my life depends on it. On the other, to run off to the Bahamas and invent new ones.  It works out there is no larger extended family gatherings happening this year I need to go to (plans are afoot for future, lengthier, gatherings in warmer weather)  So in lieu of the Bahamas, I will spend Christmas in a terribly wintry possibly sub-zero Chicago, but still have something going on besides hanging out with my cats (which actually would be a perfectly fine idea if I didn't feel too self-conscious about spending holidays entirely alone.) We are already plotting out new traditions with our postponed travel plans that may include a marathon of Christmas horror and boozy hot chocolate while the snow blankets the city, so all is not lost.

On Sunday, I actually put real clothes on and ventured out to he first holiday gathering since covid down at the Chicago Actors Studio where J works, which was anxiety-fraught but still fun. I felt a little feral and out of practice at socializing with new people--especially high energy performing arts people-- (which has never been my forte.  I do feel like not working (well not working anywhere but home) has made me much more likely to accept invites and go to things since I am not as exhausted and wanting to just stay home when I'm not working. Even though I am still putting in 8-10 hours some days, I do not have to commute and run about, and feel like I get ample time in my house that I pay so much rent for. I am also just not as mentally exhausted and introvert-depleted working on my own. I may even venture out for New Years.  I already have a dress and will wear a mask if necessary..

So we move on through the winter, with that door at the end of the hall opening just a little more each evening to summer.