notes & things | 11/14/2021

And so we've reached the land of dark at 4:30.  I saw a meme that said that in the late fall and winter there is no such thing as afternoon. Just morning, longer morning, and sunset. And it's true.  Around now, esp. after the time change you feel the longness of nights.  Yesterday, I took a nap at 6pm, drowsy and disoriented by the day's rhythms. Today, I slept til around noon and then got up to do some printing for books, and others I'll be finishing the assembly on tonight.  While I am never to quick to jump into Christmas mode, I did indulge in a couple holiday romance movies on Netflix last night.  Today, I'll probably watch more. I've cozied up inside with coffee and chicken & noodles in the crockpot, and Friday, invested in toppings for all that hot chocolate I've been hoarding. I am enjoying my slower weekends before holiday bustle--now whatever bustle looks like now in covid-world. I tend to buy strange presents for people, all online, so I'm not too worried about shortages. I will maybe hit the thrifts when I'm in Rockford for Thanksgiving but that's about it for public-going. There is talk of readings and holiday parties, but until we plummet to June levels of positivity rates, I will probably just stay in my little bubble. And yet, so much is still happening out there.  Monday, they'd blocked Michigan to put up the giant tree in Millennium Park.  Slowly, the windows on the Mag Mile are decking themselves out (well what stores are left after economic depression, riots last year, general retail failure) There are moments the city seems the same, and others that seems it will never be the same. 

I am still back and forth in my quandaries over plans for next year, sometimes vascillating in a matter of hours depending on mood.  At times, inspired and determined to see things out.  At others, frustrated and resentful.  I'll spend the weekend feeling like things are salvageable when I'm away and then disappointed midweek and longing for change. More headlines than ever talk about people leaving jobs, leaving entire career paths for others. And I get it. Despite the fact that new gigs are falling into their laps, so many of us are also motivated to forge out on our own--to take on more freelance and contract work. To change the way we've been living our lives--to put more effort in the things that seem more important--whatever those are. 

Still, I like where I work, if not how they sometimes treat their employees. And there are things I think I can get there that I won't elsewhere, which is why I would probably not leave to go somewhere else.  Part of it is comfort and my Taurean fear of the unfamiliar. But at least a decade ago, I loved the dream of working for myself and having more freedom. (though after lockdown, I also realized that I like a solid boundary between work--whatever that is-- and home (even if there are other kinds of work at home.) We're basically at a point of burnout where my one job, my day job, is actually three jobs, not just one (where I am not payed a comparable wage even for the one.).  And then I go home to do a couple more, mostly unpaid as well.   This will eventually bring the house down.  I can feel it. I'm not happy. I'm wiling to keep going on the unpaid work, writing, editing, because I love it and its important  With some tweaking, I can expand to offer paper and art and do more design work or copywriting /editing and possibly make a go of it.  Running a business is obv, several jobs.  I've done them.  But having your efforts focused on one or two things and not six or seven would make a huge difference. Then again, it may just take a bravery I'm not sure I have. I'm hoping to spend the next few months building a boat that won't seem so scary if I decide to set sail.

In more creative work, my TS Eliot research continues, but I haven't yet waded into writing waters.  I may not til 2022--since so much of my head is occupied with other things--the job stuff, getting out the last chaps of the year, some more painting and crafty things. I do have plans to release animal, vegetable, monster in February, so I will start getting a more final version of that mss. together in December, since the editing/design process is long when you're doing it yourself rather than someone doing it for you. I also need to decide if and when to send out a couple other projects on the burners. I do have one more little zine thing I might issue before the end of the year, so keep an eye out for that..

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