Wednesday, March 07, 2012

love, margins, and other randomness...

At least once, probably twice in the last year, I've found myself talking about wishing that for once, amongst all the romantic missteps and miscommunications, the misfirings and misguided affections, I would find myself with the upperhand when it comes to emotional attachment, or maybe more that just once, someone who I was into would be more into me than I am into them (and that's not even counting a couple of ridiculous completely unrequited situations I've stumbled into the past few years.) I keep getting into the same sorts of relationships where I feel like the other person always has the upper hand, where I feel like I need to tread carefully lest I frighten them off by seeming TOO interested (I've explained it like trying to coax a mouse out from under stove.) Maybe it's just me, but I find myself holding back always in danger of liking someone too much and being disappointed when it all goes to hell. Other people have told me this is always the case, and maybe it is. That there is always the lover and the beloved and probably in your life, the dynamic, sometimes even with the same partner , will go back and forth. I've been involved with people where it really doesn't matter who holds the upper hand, if anyone does at all (usually the less serious sort) but others where it matters very much.

I think I've realized that really, it's not possible. I tend to be pretty quick to cut things off if I'm not totally twitterpated over someone. (unless it's fwb arrangement, but even that has certain criteria in terms of chemistry). When it comes to emotionally charged relationships, If I'm not all that into someone, I usually let it go, regardless of how strong they may or may not feel about me. Usually, I'm sure that the lack of chemistry is universal, but in at least one recent situation maybe I was wrong, which has me questioning. Do I bolt too fast? Am I guilty of not letting things develop at a normal pace? Is it all or nothing? Should it be?

So while I have been thinking about love, I have also been thinking about the narrative project, how sometimes it feels finished and other times does not feel so at all. I was playing with the text on the page this afternoon and discovered that centering a slender column of words in the middle of the page rather than just a left justified paragrapgh did wonders in helping someone get through the denseness of it, which is how I often feel about prose poems (or at least MY prose poems anyway.) I did not want to break it into lines, but it felt sort of off the longer it gets This may have fixed it, though I will take another look tomorrow. My deadline for completion (self-imposed) was the end of February, but there are still rough patches. I'm not sure about submitting it or just issuing it on my own as a small edition..I am sort of feeling control freaky and a bit ambivalent about sending things out for publication again and I'm not sure where it comes from. I tend to exist in my happy little editing/creating/bookmaking bubble, but sometimes some of the seedier po-biz stuff creeps in and makes me feel gross and jaded. Maybe it's a little AWP whiplash.

Otherwise, I am having odd sinus pain in my cheeks when I lay horizontally, which has me waking up intermittently and sleeping far too lightly. I am also craving Mexican food like you wouldn't believe (completely unrelated, but yummy). I am working slowly on the remaining books for authors and finishing up some other layouts this week and trying to get back into my daily routine. Hopefully, I will return to full productivity by Friday.

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