As expected, I spent tonight devouring the remaining episodes of this season of Bridgerton and it only occurred to me in the very last episode what I had not realized about how this season differed from the previous, both of which followed pretty standard romance novel tropes. The fake relationship of season 1. The enemies-to-lovers of season 2.. While on the surface of season 3, you might have mistaken this for a friends-to-lovers trope, how the season was structured seemed to bely this, which may have been the reason I was thinking all along that the pacing was off. Because yes, we do finally get a Penelope/Colin match-up everyone was waiting for, but I don't feel that was the crux of this season--or where the characters were heading, or at least not merely so.
Once it seemed pretty obvious they would end up happily together, the finale episode was far more about Pen claiming her identity as Lady Whistledown and, as a result, her claiming a future as an author. No small feat in a world where women are designed to be sold off to the highest bidder each season. To forge no identity of their own outside the patriarchy. And perhaps that is the true love story of season 3. Penelope and her alter ego, which she sheds at the end in favor of writing more openly as herself.
Her speech at the ball was very in line with what I talked about regarding writers as passive observers, and it made me think of a conversation last week at a karaoke bar, in which, despite J's urging that we should do a duet at the mic, I had reminded him that I always have much more fun not as the center of attention. More as an observer that blends in and sees all. And I like karaoke, but its more that I like watching and listening to it (well, not all of it, but some, this being mostly a good group of theater people with fine voices.) I am not a performer, which is something I have always known, even despite a love of theater (and probably why I pretty much only was on stage in high school and spent many years after backstage and in the booth.)
It was a conversation we picked up later at the wedding downstate, where I expressed relief that our wedding plans as they currently stand are very small and informal, especially since I am not sure I can could stand such a hug focus on me and actually enjoy myself at a traditional wedding. It sounds terrible and exhausting, which might negate some of the fun of what is supposed to be one of the best days of your life. When I was graduating high school, I remember my mother threw a giant party in a tent and invited everyone she knew, including co-workers and people I may have not seen since I was a baby. I remember I had a mini anxiety melt-down right before it and a desire to hide during it, my little introvert heart not comfortable with all that attention and conversation with little escape. A few years later, my college party was just family and very informal like any other occasion and it was so much more my vibe.
This feels like it may also be a factor in my relationship to doing readings. I haven't done an in-person reading since before the pandemic--the last one at the Field Museum in October of 2019, then a few virtual readings over the subsequent years, but over that time I've come to accept that I actually do not enjoy reading my work (live anyway) in front of an audience as much as I may have had to convince myself of before. Granted it was a little better in group readings where I was one of many, but a whole event focused on me was apt to give me hives and a racing heart rate. I hate that when I tell people about this, the reaction is often to have more confidence, which of course is kind of insulting since I have plenty of faith in my abilities. I am just more comfortable being an observer. A listener. This is perhaps why I always volunteered to go first, since after I read, I was much calmer and could actually listen and enjoy what came after. I did it because I do like sharing work, and socializing with other writers, but there are many other ways to do that that don't emotionally exhaust me, so perhaps I am leaning into those a little more.
