There is just a lot of snow. On the ground, in the streets, muddying up my head. And cold, colder than I like--a state that makes everything so absolutely hard-traveling to work, taking out the trash, running any kind of errand. I bought a giant bundle of faux sakura blossoms for the vase on the worktable to brighten my mood, as well as about $50 worth of fancy tea to replace the lipton I ran out of. I have a list on Amazon I have labeled "treats" to get me through winter (or whatever horrible comes after winter. More teas. Sunglasses. Luxuriously scented bath products. All things I have plenty of, but buying more gives me a little lift (unlike clothes, which I always want more of, but am a on a shopping moratorium due to closet space.) This list is separate from "home" and "supplies", which also have treats, but usually cost more than $20. I need to get more exercise--I feel fragile and rickety and plagued with odd random aches. . I need to drink more water. More sleep (though arguably no matter how much I get it's never enough.) I've been avoiding doomscrolling and limiting my facebook visits to late at night if at all. Hopping in and out of Twitter and Instagram as needed for writing stuff and library stuff, but not staying too long. Limiting how many times I can look at the news or coronavirus stats, and it's helping a little.
Other winters, left to my SAD deivices, I knew it was my own particular bit of lowness, but the world seems heavy and low--all of us not in great shape. You would think that normalcy and routine would help, but I am stressed by continuing the routines amidst so much uncertainty--processing books and hosting meetings and getting ready for my reading next week, putting on my human face while really I just want to hide or run off into the woods and never come back. As I passed the Congress hotel last night, I was so mentally exhausted I thought that, if I had money, I could just disappear there for a few days to get my head screwed back on straight. I've heard of women doing this...usually just to get a moment's peace from husband and kids. I have nothing to hide from at home, really, so it seems especially useless endeavor. Mostly I was just winter achy and tired and didn't want to ride the bus back to the north side and through the cold. It seemed like the most insurmountable thing in that moment. On the bus, I forgot to switch to my heartier mask, and even that late, there were too many people despite limits, and I almost screamed at the man standing in the aisle to please stop breathing over me. I did not, but if I get sick, that may be the culprit.
I am still hanging onto that slightly later sunset, even though it's supposed to get arctic this weekend. Once we hit February, there are usually about a two-week window for nonsense and then things are milder (less cold, small bits of snow that melt pretty fast). I still have whiplash for the past year, which seems to have passed insanely slow and insanely fast at the same time. But it will be March again, and then we're back to April and a much kinder season, no matter what Eliot says..
