faking it

Yesterday may have been the first day in about two weeks where I had a little bit of focus, enough to draft, edit, and submit a library-related article about converting physical programming into virtual. Today, the task is to finish my libguide for zines and plot what might turn out to be really fun--a virtual zine night next Monday. And since it's online, maybe we can induce other people to come make zines and show them off.  I'm thinking maybe some how-to's on twitter and then a show & tell on instagram.) I don't know how anyone is focused enough to do things like coursework and major projects though, or care much about the sort of things one used to care about but I am determined to fake it till I make it..to at least use the time somewhat productively.

Yesterday, it snowed, what seemed like quite a lot, but judging from what I can see from the 3rd floor vantage..not a lot on the ground. Such snowfall not unusual for this time of year, and the sort of thing that would want me to hunker down today rather than go out and walk around in it.. But even so,  I'm guessing the magnolias over near the catholic school where I catch the bus are starting to bloom about now and I miss watching them. I keep thinking about my mother, while perhaps one blessing is that she did not live to see this, to obsessively worry about me and my sister being out in the world (my sister more than I at this point as an essential worker.) . I'm sure my dad is concerned no doubt, but for my mom, her worry bordered on the pathological at times.  I dreamed about her for the first time in a bit..that I had written a book that upset her.  It was strange, as all dreams seem to be these days.  Most of them where I am somehow working to solve a problem of some sort. Or that there is something important I am forgetting to do--played out in various contexts and scenarios. If anything I am sleeping a lot, and I'm not sure if it's good or bad. I go to bed at my normal time--around 2 am, but I keep waking up as soon as it's daylight, scrolling frantically through my newsfeed for the latest horrors for a couple hours, then falling back to sleep until around 2pm.

Still, besides the article I wrote, not many words are coming, so I will continue to fill this space with content carved out my very muddled brain until something like poetry comes again.