Wednesday, October 31, 2018

notes & things | 10/31/2018

Monday night was one of the final events of our Beautiful Monstrosities month that kicked off a mere 30 days ago and has been moving along at full throttle. The art will still be up until January, so there's still a chance to see that awesomeness on the Library's 1st Floor. This was the film specific panel, Eat or Be Eaten, spawned from us questioning what is a positive portrayal of a female character in a genre where really you only have two options to be the killer or be killed--the monster or the one hunted by monsters and, at best, survive mostly intact. The discussion took place amidst a new student produced exhibit in one of the campus gallery spaces around the block, The Final Trope, an interactive experience built around horror stereotypes.

Geeking out about horror is something I get way, way into, so I sometimes have to hold back a little, but it was an amazing discussion, and I walked away with some recommendations I wasn't familiar with. At home, I am in the midst of a pre-Halloween horror binge that so far has included some perennial  faves (The Shining, Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, Skeleton Key) some older movies I probably hadn't seen since the late 80's (Night of the Comet, Night of the Demons) and some new things that were either rather rather good (Malevolent) or horrible. but weirdly enjoyable (Truth or Dare).  I hope to continue with a few more this week, with plans for a date night with J Thursday night to see the new Halloween. 

Of course, in news of  ghosts of another sort, my dreams are just keeping me uncomfortable enough. Again this morning the recurring one where my mother does not know she's dead, or maybe more I do not know she's dead, and suddenly, crushingly realize it.   In this one, we were all sitting around the table and someone mentioned going to Monroe to the Swiss Colony outlet, but that we'd decided we'd rather go elsewhere for discount cheese from here on in .  And she said, she'd never decided that, but I reminded her that we'd decided it before Christmas last year and that was when she'd almost died, so of course, she'd not been in on the decision. But no biggie, we could change it.  She was laughing and saying she didn't, and I was trying to convince her that yes, she'd almost died, for reals, saying it over and over again and how lucky we were that she didn't.   But then something broke in my head, and I suddenly realized the truth and I woke with a start. I have various versions and combinations of these dreams 1-2 times a month and probably tap into the unrealness of it sometimes, even still, how it feels like there is a disconnect, even after a year.  And maybe it's feeling super intense because the anniversary of her death is in about a week.  It's less the disconnect and more general sad when I'm in Rockford, where the absence is all too real. But here, I go through most of my day with only fleeting thoughts that she's not around any more.  Maybe a story I would normally tell her.  A movie she would have liked.   When it's time for my weekly phone calls that are now with my dad.  But otherwise, she could totally still be alive and kicking out there somewhere.

Maybe some of the numbness has worn off, and writing about all of it helps, but the unreality of it is still there even now and I don't imagine will ever go away.

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