doubt

Sometimes,  I think the most uncertain I ever feel about my own writing follows not ordinary rejections and setbacks, but after reading the amazing work I get to publish with dgp --projects that sometimes are so freakishly good sometimes I get that scared panic feeling that I shouldn't even TRY to do this whole poetry thing, you know, because  obviously other people have it so much more on lock than I do. It comes and goes, as uncertainty does, but this weekend, as I was re-reading some upcoming manuscripts and plotting cover ideas, I felt it.  Which was both disconcerting and kind of exhilarating.  I guess if I can't write the things I want to write how I want to write them, I guess there is enormous comfort in helping bring those books into the world regardless.

It's Monday, so I'm feeling extra gratey and overwhelmed with what I have to do this week on so many fronts. I do have a shiny new printer in the studio, and a couple new vintage bag impulse purchases on their way (as well as less exciting things like regular paper and cardstock)  My little retreat weekends are heavenly, but re-entry is a bitch sometimes.  I get spoiled by working on the things I want to work on and then have to put those on hold for other less fun things, like, you know, going to work and all.   I also had a moment of panic this weekend about the rather large queue of writing projects I've been plotting over the years, some of which I have only dipped a tiny toe into--the ridiculous feeling that I am getting older (well I guess I'm  only 42 probably at the halfway point of my life if I'm lucky.)  How I'm feeling the pressure to get things out and onto the page lest they never get them (which is ridiculous since I obviously have plenty of time.  but then what if I don't?  What if I get some terminal disease--or hit by a bus--or rendered blind or unable to type (and this is probably just the anxiety hamster talking--I've found the negative of time with my thoughts, is you know, sometimes well,  my thoughts)

The clouds in my head the past couple of days are commensurate with the clouds outside, though it's been a little warmer than last week.  It's March, so the forecast is promising, even though I do have to pull a double header in the library this weekend and therefore will be surrendering up my blissful weekend, but I'm hoping to get some serious, more concentration intensive work done, because it's certainly not happening today.