The past couple of days I have been trying hard to think of everything as a learning experience, as some trial that teaches me more about myself, more about what I want, what I need, what I can tolerate and what I can't when it comes to relationships. Second chances are all well and good, but they probably only make it harder to walk away a second time. Yes, it was good, but there are boundaries I have to keep for my own sanity, my own autonomy, and once again it was too much, too soon. I like to think I at least tried, was open, and I was, but there were too many expectations.
It's not even about monogamy, which I can take or leave, but more about feeling in control of my own life and time. Yes, it's probably selfish, and self-centered, and overly control freaky, all charges that have been leveled at me in the course of the last month or so at various impasses. (and whenever someone calls me a control freak I'm like "Duh..do you even know me at all?") And it's almost a relief, the letting go without reservation, even though it's a little sad. I don't want to put myself in a position to hurt people, to mean that much (or at least be told that I do) to someone that I feel responsible for their well-being. Which also seems like a manipulative thing in some ways.
But I am finding solace in other things, new poems, galleys to proof, new projects in my notebook, other random fall plans. I was suddenly very anxious for Thanksgiving to get here (equal parts missing my family and being really hungry for something besides Chinese food, salad, pasta and frozen pizza.) I am moving on again, and this kitty pretty much always lands on her feet whatever you throw at her (or throw her off of.)