In between some minor blown out of proportion niggling worries about the mundane, there is the flipside of a certain amount of euphoria about the good things happening in my life. Sometimes I have to pinch myself because I get too happy and excited about things, even if there is always that undercurrent of anxiety present. It's mostly about decisions, to go one way or another, to live one way or another, to let things be or to push them into happening. A constant asking myself what I want but then changing my mind 5 minutes later. The risks are easy, but it's the uncertainty toward outcome that makes me crazy. There are some constants, though, things I am certain about (the press and what we publish, my art and poems, where I live, certain neccessary little pleasures.) But even my happiness in these is always a little uneasy, a little too "knock on wood" for my liking. And yet sometimes I get caught up in the amazingness enough to ignore that undercurrent. Hoping for more of those moments...
