My head is all messy and distracted this week, mostly from writing bloodthirsty, hurtful (but well-deserved) e-mails to a current relationship and weird (but possibly fortuitous) resurfacings of former ones. I am yet again convinced there is a beacon that goes out among all the men you've ever been involved with when you're emotionally vulnerable. It's happened too many times to be mere coincidence. It also might be why I feel like I keep making the same mistakes again and again. (probably because I actually AM). Admittedly, I've always had a hard time letting go of people, erasing them from my life if I have feelings for them,, which is one of the reasons non-monagamy has always been a good fit. But also, it means the lines get blurry, the circles overlap and bleed back into each other. I have some made some very good choices, but also some very bad ones. It's hard to keep keep the healthy relationships from being drowned out by the unhealthier ones.
Related or unrelated, I had a sudden urge Sunday to either go back to my natural haircolor or go signifigantly lighter. I've had darker is hair since I was 18 and banished my dishwater blonde for auburn. I tried a few brown/auburn shades through college, but settled on a deep brown during grad school and it stuck... After some experimenting over the past few days, a color neutralizer, a box of dark blonde, and some highlights, I caved in CVS last night to a shade called "Truffle" wound up back with the darker shade. Mostly, I spent three days trying to feel like the lighter color belonged on my head and could not convince myself of it. It was like a mini hair-related identity crises.
This is all related somehow, I just have to find the thread.