A) This is not a dorm, but an apartment building where grown-ups live. People not particularly interested in sharing your four-year-long suspended adolescence. Please do not make excessive noise coming or going or once in your apartment (excessive meaning that which may be heard more than two apartments or floors away). This includes, but is not limited to: running squealing like a stupid drunk girl down the hallway, loud travel between floors and units, Metallica at top decibel on repeat for three hours, shouting out of windows, knocking on doors as if you were on fire, 3am suburban whitebread fighting on the sidewalk out front, and/or loud parties involving group renditions of “Bohemian Rhapsody” at the top of your lugs.
B) Failure to refrain from the above behavior will necessitate not the presence of a sympathetic RA and campus security rent-a-cops, but several of Chicago’s finest. Mom and Dad will certainly frown upon hauling your ass out of jail and may just confiscate that extra kegger money.
C) Contrary to the age you typically behave, this is not your parent’s house. Please keep your trash, junk, and expulsion of all bodily fluids limited to your own apartment.