Yesterday was dark, as in dark all morning with rain and then just dark. These days around the solstice are usually not just literally the darkest, but also heavy somehow in a way I never feel in other parts of the year. I slept very late, spent both days in my pajamas, working on various things through most of the weekend. My past couple of weeks have been pretty busy, finishing up batches of chaps to get out before the holiday and taking on more freelance copy work to get a feel for how well it will make going it alone should I decide to do it.
Which is of course a lie because I have already mostly decided to do it, at least in my heart, if not having worked out all the logistics just yet. I've been thinking about it probably since early October, but only in the last few weeks has it become a safe enough and desirable endeavor to make happen. Once the decision was made, there was this rush of relief and happiness I don't think I've felt in years, and that feeling alone is perhaps my answer. There are times when I don't want to leave, but it's gotten to the point where I can't--for financial reasons, for burnout reasons--afford to stay. Not even figuring in potential increased shop offerings and income (which will happen when I'm not working 40+ hours a week elsewhere) the freelance work devotes half as many hours for twice the pay. And its actually kind of fun. Or at least a sort of work-fun, It gives me hope for days that can be half spent working on that stuff, half spent on the shop and the press. The ability to dial back and take on less if things get crazy. Not all day spent at the library and off hours, late nights weekends spent on other things, which is how it has always been since the beginning.
I can't even imagine having time to put into action all the projects and ideas I want to do without having to always work around the giant hulking beast of a full-time job that grants stability, but drains your energy. I don't dare think it will be easy or without sacrifices (financially), but at this point, it hurts more not to try to make it happen. I keep telling myself this is what I've been preparing for all these years. Now I just need to take that step.
