Even though I felt the stretch of the clock overnight and am an hour more well-rested, there is still surely to be disorientation tonight at the sunset so early. Even though the days have gotten markedly shorter the past weeks even without the time change. These are the hours I am not quite sure what to do with. It's too dark in my apartment to work on art things or books (which I prefer to do in natural light instead of lamplight.) But too early to make dinner and watch something on streaming. During the week, I am am in a windowless area of the library, so I barely notice time. Weekends are always hard to get used to. I've been indulging in winter thoughts, or trying to get ready for it. I've already added a couple new coats to my collection--one a plaid walking coat and the other, a cream colored faux fur that is more blanket than coat. It's lovely though i worry the dirt and grime of the city will ruin it eventually. I'm still wearing my heavier jackets at this point, but will switch them out for the full-on winter wear in the next few weeks. The last of the leaves are still coloring the tops of trees for the next week or so. Today, I tried painting some fall postcards before the light got too dim. I am not one to jump into the holiday too early, preferring to wait til after Thanksgiving, but I did do a little perusing of things I might want to buy for decor. I tend to go minimalist. I haven't had the heart to get out my full size tree and ornaments the past year and probably won't this one. Instead, I have a cute smaller one with pine cones I like the look and simplicity of.
Last night, I settled into bed with my first cup of raspberry hot chocolate of the year and watched one of my favorite movies that never seems to be streaming anywhere--Practical Magic in all of its witchy 90's goodness. Soon, I'll give into my guilty pleasure of holiday romance movies of the Hallmark ilk..the studio machine of which is cranking up even now on all networks and services. They're terrible, but I kinda love them. It's amazing how fast I go from slashers & horror to cheesy romance in the course of one month. In terms of romance, this week also brings Taylor's re-release of RED, of course, pretty much my favorite album of hers, I've been known to say that TS has written a song about every bad relationshiop I've ever had. Most of them are on RED.
Yesterday, I noted the date but tried not to think too much about it. Four years since we lost my mother, and yesterday (and today) that sort of overly sun-steeped, but still cold weather very much like that Monday. I always have to check the date, since I am never sure whether it was the 5h or 6th, or what day the funeral was. That week is bleary in my mind, like someone put a piece of plastic over a window. I am intent on leaving it there. I feel in some ways it's a time period in my life I will never fully process, despite having written a book (or at least parts of) about it. Now, when my mother appears in my dreams, less now than before, at least both she and I know she is dead. That's something. My moods are less stable this time of year than any other, so it's a bad coincidence of November doing as November does. Had you asked me years ago my least favorite month, I'd have told you snow-bound January, but at least January feels like a start to something new.
So I make my way through the Novembers and the Januaries and sometimes, yes, even some Decembers, treading lightly and trying not to disturb too much.
