My best friend and I often have discussions about disparities in our learning styles..she likes to stand back, to watch, to kick the tires on things, talk to people, learn from them. Look before leaping and carefully research whatever it is she is trying to learn..via the web, via books, via whatever. I, on the other hand, am more solo in my approach...I want to seek out information at my own pace, walk around a problem or skill a couple times, and then just dive in, learning as I go along...I turn to books and the web, but only after my hands are already in the batter. Too many cooks in the kitchen or hands in my cake makes me want to bolt. Someone watching my early efforts makes me nervous. This was my experience with my MFA program. I already had a cake made and was looking for frosting suggestions and flavor combos. Others had some eggs and flour and the vague idea of a cake. Some people asked why I had built the cake, wrote the poems, at all. We did not all speak the same culinary language let alone work in the same kitchen.
I get similarly uneasy when people start talking mentors, though there have been so many poets who have had amazing impact on my work and offered support in my career. Who invited me to submit poems or do readings with them. Who have bolstered and supported my poems after publication--taught them in their classes, talked me up. Some of who I might not even know. I try to do the same in turn, for writers I know and writers I don't. For the amply published and the newbies. I think over time I've found a loose network via the web of (mostly) women poets who support each other and buoy each other in this crazy ocean and it has been so very important--some I know IRL and some I've never been in the same room with. Some who don't even share the same continent.
But mentoring seems like such a one-on-one thing. I always have this creeping dread when a female poet is taken on by a male mentor, because so often I have seen it go bad...not all men (surely, hopefully) but some. It's a strange thing for me in that, as a women poet, I have never looked for approval or advice from men--always other women, and this is probably true beyond writing and into other aspects--library work, visual art, life advice in general. While I have had a couple male friends who are writers, we usually approached each other on equal footing in terms of publishing and stages of "career." There wasn't a power dynamic that could, in worse scenariosm be abused. So often I see a young poet wrestling with uncomfortable situations involving male mentors (usually older.). Whether blatantly predatory or on the sly, these are always super gross.
But even female mentorships may go awry. There is a danger in putting too much on one dynamic. Pettyness in a career path that is enormously bottlenecked can rear it's head. There are, and thankfully I've only encountered maybe one or two, women who will knock other women down to hold their place of power with the men. Because there can only be one or two women at the table and it's gonna be her. Sometimes, very bad advice is passed off in the spirit of mentorship--even if it's just that people are imperfect and fallible. It's a lot of pressure--even being the mentor--in giving advice and guidance. Of being expected to have some stable of information you can pass off that will work for anyone.
And yet, I know people whose mentorships have been amazing and not at all toxic. I know some others that were not so great. I see many women artists and poets I look to, from a distance, as inspiration, but I don't put the heavy burden on them of having all the answers. Or the only answer. In my MFA, my greatest sources of feedback & information were some of my classmates who formed strong feminist literary presences on their own. And hopefully they learned a little from me. I also feel like as time went on, if I need to figure things out--chart a path--get feedback on work, a new project, --my loose network of other women creatives could provide more than a single mentor could. That their experiences and stories and feedback was far more valuable collectively. Also valuable, what I could seek out and figure out on my own.
And yet, I know folks who swear by mentors who have opened doors for them that otherwise would be firmly shut. It may come back to my own self-directed and independent learning syle--also my pathological introvert tendencies--but I am never sure how to answer when asked about mentorship, in conversations, in interviews, etc--either having one or being one. Mostly my mentorship is a collective one, and at the same time, just me seeking out things on my own. Anything else feels a little claustrophobic and I'm not sure would work out well for any of us--though I love my poet friends and the people who boosted my work, or even just been interested enough to buy a book or publish a poem.
