I was reminded today about how important autonomy is and got to thinking about the unnecessary stress and anxiety when I don't give it enough due.. As a control freak, usually this one is easy. Very rarely do I let people into my business and my projects, or if I let them in, it's usually not in any sort of way that predicates that I depend on their contribution, or that the endeavor may fail without that contribution. Working with people is tough, and I suppose this could be said just as easily about interpersonal relationships. Depending makes me anxious, both in my creative and professional life and in my personal life. It's a control thing, but it's also more a trust thing. I know that I can trust myself to do what I need me to do. (well most of the time). I can't say the same about other people, all with their own limitations and priorities. It goes way back..the anxiety of group projects in school that required me to work with other people. Those years working in college theatre where EVERYTHING depended on other people and it made me so anxious I was sick most of the time.
As an adult, autonomy is the name of the game, and one of the reasons why DGP has always been a one woman operation. One of the reasons I identify as solo poly. One of the reasons I've carved myself a little niche in the library that is mostly my own. But then, there are things that require working with other people--projects that are too great to shoulder by myself, at least entirely But then comes the inevitable disappointment when things don't work out the way they planned. When plans are orchestrated that sort of depend on everyone hitting their marks and my inevitable disappointment when other people don't hit their marks and I'm left flailing. I had a moment of teary, rising panic and feeling overwhelmed until I talked myself down. I realized how much I need to, going forward, make things a little more foolproof. To not take on projects that require other people who many or may not come through when needed. I need more situations where other people can jump in, but not because I need them to. I need plans and preparations that are solely dependant for orchestration only on myself. I think I'd be much more mentally secure with these precautions and much less likely prone to the teary freakout...
And I'm thinkin 42 is way to old for that sort of thing...
