Sunday, September 16, 2012
pedestals and cages
So it's been a weird week. Every once in a while I complain about men and how I feel I'm always chasing, never really being chased. (it's a control freak thing and probably a Taurean thing) I've been pursued occasionally in a sexual way, but it never felt all romantic and flowery and heart fluttery (well maybe except with R , but we all know how that turned out) And maybe that's a myth anyway, instilled by Disney and fairytales and old movies. Maybe it doesn't exist and maybe it's all about mashing our bodies together and taking comfort where we can, But there's a teeny little romantic in me that wonders if it does exist. Something else. So when someone starts off the relationship by saying outright they really want a serious exclusive relationship, it catches me off guard. In those first few dates, usually I'm still wondering if I want a relationship, mostly whether I want a relationship with this particular person. And then said person says all the right things, like they love poetry and art and know about architecture and estate sales and old trains, and suddenly I'm swept up in it. And the e-mails are probably the most beautiful letters anyone ever sent me. And the physical chemistry is sweet and tenative in all the right ways. And its all so serious so very fast and I fail and keep failing, am not engaged enough, invested enough. There are still difference between us in ways we see the world that clash and grate. He gets impatient that I am still trying to figure things out. A friend says women always dump nice guys for jerks, and sometimes it's true. Nice men seem breakable, like eggshells. They crack. It feels better when someone fails you than when you fail them. It's far worse to hurt someone and know it than to deal with being hurt yourself. Still, it was probably the most intense breakup for the shortest relationship I've ever undertaken. So we move over and on and begin deleting numbers and messages (its too painful to read them again, so I want them gone.) I try to distract myself with disaster movies and house cleaning and by Monday, I'll just move past it and get on with other things..