I really can’t believe that tomorrow is the beginning of August, which means I’ve lost another month of time and am still woefully behind on just about everything. I was trying to explain to a co-worker, who has been trying to urge me and another poet on staff to do some sort of library poetry blog/zine/reading series, etc. The idea actually terrifies me. Not so much the idea of it, easily manageable, but all the hoops and approvals, and committees that anything that has to do with the library, that such a venture would have to be pass in front of before taking flight exhausts me. I hate any sort of groupthink red tape. I avoid meetings like the plague. I’m so used to just doing things on my own, starting my own ventures, building websites, my own marketing, that having to depend upon anyone else to do those things makes me SO not want to do it. If it were as easy as starting a blog and adding content, that is one thing. But any sort of decision in the library has to be made by about a dozen people and usually takes months to come to fruition.
I’ve also rather settled in on the idea that the less involved I am in my workplace extracurricularly, the better. I rather enjoy my day job for its routine, its autonomy. I come to work, I type and file invoices and check requests, do other paperworky tasks, occasionally check the shelves for missing items, supervise the student workers, and sit on the circ desk for a few hours (during which I get a lot of poetry & art related things done.) No one really bothers me, it’s not at all mentally taxing, and my immediate co-workers are a rather cool & artsy lot. I don’t think about it when I go home….hell I hardly think about it while I’m doing it. My mental priorities are elsewhere. I’m not sure mixing my passions and day-job drudgery, however, is a good idea. Sometimes, since my mind is running constantly in regard to my writing, the press, the etsy shop, it’s actually nice to come to work and zone out. Also, while I would technically have all the time in the world whilst at work to launch such an ordeal, I honestly have not an inch of mental and/or creative energy to spare. There’s just not room inside my head for another project. I’m barely hanging on at times to the ones that matter to me.
And, truth be told, the other reason I am saying no is the control freak factor. Again, years and years of just doing things has made me dreadfully impatient with decision making in which I don’t have the freedom to do what I want to do, how I want to do it, when, to do it, etc. I always joke with my sister about how she’s the only staff member of the press since I’m a control freak and she’s the only one who’s gotten used to it after 30 odd years and doesn’t hate me for it. I am so used to just doing what I want, which usually involves a bit more work for me, but much less internal angst. A few years ago, I found an old report card from kindergarten in my parent’s basement, in which the teacher had commented that something to the effect that I had a hard time sharing the attention and decision-making with others. It apparently starts very early…
